Top Tip on Being a Vampire


By Happy Mashiro

‘Let’s be real. One of the best things about being a vampire is your vagina not painfully draining of blood each month. Now you get to do the draining, anywhere and any time you want!’ 

I looked at my roommate, too shocked to come up with my usual witty responses.

‘May, I just turned into a blood-sucking monster and you’re talking about vaginas? Could you be like, a bit more helpful? Like tell me how not to kill people and survive…’

‘I am helping you, silly. I was about to give you one of the most important tips!’ she grinned, her pearl-white teeth almost blinding. I could finally understand why I felt her presence to be inhuman ever since I met her. And it wasn’t that supernatural strength, or her red eyes I caught once. It was her teeth. Nobody on earth could have perfectly straight white teeth like that, and still smoke six packs a day.

‘…Em. Emily! You spaced out again.’ she said with that annoying pouty face that made me want to kill her each time. Well, now at least I have an excuse for my murderous nature.

‘Yes, sorry. What were you saying?’ I said, hopelessly trying to suppress a sigh. It’s not like there’s anything else she could tell me that would shock me. I’m a living dead sophomore girl, after all.

‘The most important tip! Don’t try drinking period blood. It’s na-sty!’ she said for some reason pointing at a pack of tampons I’ll never get to use again.

I was torn on whether to puke or ask how the hell did she know the taste of vajayjay blood.


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6 thoughts on “Top Tip on Being a Vampire

  1. Oh my… Unexpected funny. 🙂 I would have thought the top tip was plenty of sunscreen and to always have your parasol handy! But then again, I’m a werewolf… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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