Top Tip on Being a Vampire
‘Let’s be real. One of the best things about being a vampire is your vagina not painfully draining of blood each month. Now you get to do the draining, anywhere and any time you want!’
I looked at my roommate, too shocked to come up with my usual witty responses.
‘May, I just turned into a blood-sucking monster and you’re talking about vaginas? Could you be like, a bit more helpful? Like tell me how not to kill people and survive…’
‘I am helping you, silly. I was about to give you one of the most important tips!’ she grinned, her pearl-white teeth almost blinding. I could finally understand why I felt her presence to be inhuman ever since I met her. And it wasn’t that supernatural strength, or her red eyes I caught once. It was her teeth. Nobody on earth could have perfectly straight white teeth like that, and still smoke six packs a day.
‘…Em. Emily! You spaced out again.’ she said with that annoying pouty face that made me want to kill her each time. Well, now at least I have an excuse for my murderous nature.
‘Yes, sorry. What were you saying?’ I said, hopelessly trying to suppress a sigh. It’s not like there’s anything else she could tell me that would shock me. I’m a living dead sophomore girl, after all.
‘The most important tip! Don’t try drinking period blood. It’s na-sty!’ she said for some reason pointing at a pack of tampons I’ll never get to use again.
I was torn on whether to puke or ask how the hell did she know the taste of vajayjay blood.